Chasing the Tail

Okay. I admit it. I chase my own tail. I know you humans think that it is odd that I would do so. Going around in a circle, trying to catch my tail. Running up the stairs, down the stairs, through the living room and dining room, into the kitchen; then back up the stairs. I know what humans are thinking, 'look at that silly cat - chasing it's own tail'. Ummmmm excuse me. It's called exercise. Ever hear of it? It keeps you fit. If you ask me, I think jogging is silly. Running down the sidewalk, or roadway, or wherever - just running at a constant pace. Checking your watch. Listening to your music on your mp3 player that is attached to some silly string that goes into your ear. Running, running, running. Running to nowhere. At least I am chasing something. Humans sometimes get into their vehicles, then drive somewhere, only to get out and jog. Why not jog there instead of taking your vehicle? Isn't that the purpose? To exericise? It's like these humans who work out in their homes. Spend hours a week on their bikes, and treadmills, etc., only to get into their vehicles and drive two blocks to the grocery store to pick up some soda. Hmmmmm now I think that is SILLY.

Working Humans

The humans that live with me (D&D), leave almost everyday and go to a place they call 'work'. I really do not know what they do there, or even where it is. They would be light-hearted one moment; then one of them would say 'we have to be at work at 9:30'. The light-heartedness is gone. I don't know exactly where this 'work' place is. But I am glad I do not have to go to 'work'. I would rather they spend their days playing with me, relaxing, and watching the television. But I do realize that if they didn't go to this work place, they wouldn't have this house and I wouldn't have a home - so maybe this 'work' place isn't such a bad idea. Hmmmmm, maybe they could 'work' at home. That would be the ultimate 'work'. But I do not let them know that I really do not want them to go to work. Because if they didn't - then I would have to. What kind of job would I be hired for? A mouser? A watch-cat? I have no education ... no degree. I would probably end up working for Krogers. Bagging groceries. I would be best suited working in customer service. For I can be just as catty as the customers. And I really have the face for it too. Customer service that is. I can give them my 'does it look like I care', or 'sounds like a personal problem', or 'too bad I'm not doing anything about it' look. Yes, I think I could have a career in customer service.

A Poem

In the darkness I see it there;
Trying to hide, oh where oh where.
I curl my back, ready to pounce;
If I should miss, then I will bounce.

It is coming closer, it doesn't see me;
I grin my grin, and smile with glee.
Out goes my paw, I snag it fast;
Into my mouth the taste doesn't last.

Poor fly.

The water bowl.

I love my water bowl. It isn't anything fancy, just a plain, plastic (actually cheap plastic), blue bowl. It holds enough water. I just love it. To be honest, I would love any water bowl. Not because it's a bowl, you understand. There is a much more important reason that I love my water bowl. You see, if I could drink out of a water glass like humans do, I think that I would be considered a marvel among cats. What cat can actually drink out of a water glass? The round top is much too small to get my face into, to lap at the water. So how would I drink out of a water glass. It's quite simple. I would have to learn how to hold the glass between my paws, tilt it to my mouth, and drink .... like humans do. I would NEVER EVER learn how to to that! The reason is quite simple. If I could pick up a drinking glass in that way, the humans would have be washing the dishes - and that just wouldn't do at all. So I love my water bowl. It's not that you cannot teach a cat a 'trick', it's just that we do not want to learn. It would cut into my time of leisure.

Milk

It is a myth that all cats love milk. I really do not care for it. To be honest, I'd rather have water. Milk is ...... white. Boring, boring white. It does not taste at all like my mother's milk. And it's cold. White and cold. The only thing I like about milk, is the plastic ring that holds the cap in place. You know what ring I am talking about. When you opening a 'jug' of milk, that little 'snapping' noise happens, and the ring comes off. I love that thing! My favorite toy in the whole world. I love to bite it, bat it around the house, pick it up with my teeth and toss it into the air. What fun that is. D&D do buy me cat toys when they go out shopping, and I do play with them (especially the ones with cat-nip. I would assume in the human world, you react to pot the same way). But the milk jug ring ... now that is a true toy! It's simple, it's just the right size, and brings me hours of fun! I really do not understand how a human can play a 'PlayStation' for hours on end. I mean, it just sits there. You can't bite it, pick it up and throw it into the air. It just sits there. It makes a lot of noise. Ahhh, but the milk jug ring. Simple pleasure. Isn't that what all of us are asking of life?

Burying Food

I ask a question. What do humans do with their food after they have lunch or dinner? I watch D&D after they have finished their meals. They do one of three things. Number one is that they throw what they have not eaten into the trash. Number two is that they wrap their 'leftovers' up in plastic wrap and store that in the fridge. Number three is that they put their 'leftovers' into a plastic container with a lid, and put that into the fridge. So, they want to save whatever it is that they had for lunch/dinner ... for another day. Well .... I do not have the luxury of plastic wrap, or plastic containers. I do what comes natural to me. I bury it. Granted, there is no dirt or ground in the house; but I try to bury it anyway. I know when I am stratching the carpet, or floor, with my paws, flinging imaginary dirt over my un-eaten food, D&D look at me like I am crazy. Saying something like 'what are you doing?'; or 'quit scratching the floor'. Something along those lines. I just look at them. I wish I could say to them in a loud human voice "I am packing away my leftovers". But instead I become frustrated and walkaway. There is a silver lining to this. They don't want me to eat food sitting out in a bowl for God knows how long. So I always get a fresh helping of canned food. Mmmmmmmm, maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth (snicker, snicker, snicker).

Krinkle

One of the sounds that I love to hear is 'krinkle krinkle krinkle'. That is the lovely sound that is made when a human removes the plastic wrapping from a slice of cheese. No matter what I am doing, or where I am in this house; I can hear that sound. Such a wonderful, sweet sound. It's almost like some type of hypnotic message. I cannot help myself I am drawn to that heavenly sound. And D&D seem almost surprised that I am at their feet, rubbing myself against their legs as they stand in front of that big, white box that contains the slices of cheese. Yumo! I really do not know what it is about processed cheese that I love so much. I just do. To put it into human terms, I have the same reaction to that cheese as you do to chocolate. I mean, I may not be hungry at all, or maybe I am in a dead sleep - but I hear that sound and that is all that it takes. I am there. Waiting. Just for a nibble. Just for a small piece. And once that little piece of processed cheese is devoured; I am out of there - back to doing what I was doing before that 'krinkle krinkle krinkle" over road all of my brain functions. It ain't easy .... being cheesy.

Ankle Biter

I do love to play with D&D. Sometimes I think that they are not in the mood for fun and games. One of my favorite games is to hide underneath the front hall table. The tablecloth almost touches the floor, so D&D do not know that I am hiding .... waiting for them. When they pass by the hall table - POUNCE! I jump out and grab their ankles, and plant a little nip there. Ohhhhh they do not like that at all. At first they jump, as if they stepped onto something wet or sticky. Then they get mad, and yell at me to knock it off. The truth be known, they are not really mad at me. They know that I love to play this game. I do it almost everyday. They should be used to it by now. What they are truly made at - is themselves, because they got suckered into a false state "everything is fine." So I am actually teaching them a life lesson. Reminding them that anything can happen at anytime. I am teaching them to expect the unexpected. In fact - they should be thanking me! Sheesh!! Sometimes humans just need to lighten up.

Christmas Tree

Today D&D put up their Christmas Tree. It seems to be a tradition with humans. There are plenty of trees outside, millions of them - but they drag this fake one up from the basement and set it up. The straighten the branches, plug it into the wall outlet, and the lights come on. I watch in amusement, knowing full well that there are plenty of good, live trees outside. Then they spent a good amount of time putting these ummmmm, they call them ornaments, on the tree. That is my favorite part of the whole scene. D&D stand back and admire the tree, with it's pretty lights and ornaments. I have to admit, the tree does look wonderful. I look at them with graditude in my eyes. I can hardly wait until they leave the house. Then it will be just me, and the tree. And all of those kitty toys they hung from the branches. Man - I LOVE THIS HOUSE.

Songs

I enjoy singing. Of course D&D look at me oddly whenever I sing. I think I sound excellant. They look at me a bit puzzled at first, then they begin talking to me in their little 'kitty' voice, asking me if I am hungry, or do I want to play. All I want to do is sing. Can't they realize that? I know that everything I say or sing sounds like "meow meow meeeeowww" to them, so I really cannot find fault with their reaction. I want to say to them in a human voice, "I WANT TO SING. GET ME A CANE AND A TOP HAT AND LET ME DO MY THANG". But I cannot. So as I am singing ........ 'I love to eat those mousies .. mousies I love to eat - bite off their tiny heads and nibble their tiny feet', they find a cat toy thinking I want to play. So, I amuse them and play with them for a bit. Sometimes I really do tire of entertaining the humans.

Doughnuts and Coffee

D&D almost ALWAYS have some type of snack when they arrive home from work. One of them has tea, the other one has coffee. And almost ALWAYS they have a snack. I have learned that the "crinkle-crunch" noise that is made when they sit down to devour their snacks, is the sound of Krispy Cream doughnuts. As Rachael Ray would say ....YUMO. Once when they were not looking, I nibbled a piece. WOW. Was it so moist and tasty!!!!! I love them. Of course, D&D will only give me just a tiny nibble. Once they forgot and left them on the kitchen counter. Took me forever to open the box - and when I did I was in doughnut heaven!!!!!! They have learned from that; and no longer keep those yummy treats out in the open. Of other humans snacks I have tasted, I enjoy Doritos, pizza, pastries, CHEESE, lunch meat, and popcorn. Of course, they only give me a taste - but it sure beat that cardboard tin of 'cat treats' they purchased for me. I swear, sometimes I actually drool! How embarassing is that! Drooling over Krispy Cream doughnuts. Next life, I want to come back as a human .... a baker .... a Krispy Cream baker!

Amusement

I have such a happy home. I love it here. The humans are always a constant source of amusement. I really should stop calling them 'the humans'. They are my family, even though we are of different species. Their names are Danny and David, and in the future I will refer to them as 'D&D'. And when I blog about 'humans', I will be referring to everyone else. From the beginning, D&D always introduced me to anyone who came for a visit. A human (or humans) would knock on the door, and I would be scooped up by one of them, and the door would open and I would be introduced to whomever was on the other side. So I have no fear of humans. I rather like humans. They are fun to watch and to listen to. I really love watching them. And I can always tell which humans are not fond of felines. All cats can tell that. I can tell by their eyes, and their body language. So of course, being the cat that I am, I pay special attention to them. I usually sit at their feet and stare up at them. They make the usual 'pretty kitty' statement and may reach down to pet me; but their eyes are telling me, "would you go away and look at someone else". So I ignore that, and stare at them, pulling my ears back just a fraction, and swish my tail ever so precise. More of a sudden twitch, not a full ... slow swish movement. They think I'm going to attack, or I am mad at them, or that I don't like them. Inside my mind I am laughing like a madcat, but on the outside I maintain my stone stare image. It really makes them uneasy. I like that. But, as with all games, I usually grow bored and move on to someone else. Someone who appreciates cats. Appreciates me. And I find myself sitting on D&D's lap.

Top 10 List

Here is my top 10 list of things I love to do, as of today. Of course this list can change depending on my mood.

# 1. Sleep on one of the human's lap.
# 2. Nap
# 3. Groom
# 4. Play attack kitty with the humans.
# 5. Eat
# 6. Play with the plastic ring that came off the milk jug.
# 7. Lay in the sunshine.
# 8. Totally ignore the humans when I am called.
# 9. Run up and down the stairs.
# 10. Sneak a piece of whatever the humans are eating.

Television

Humans watch a lot of television. I suppose it is entertainment, but to me it's just a bunch of annoying sounds (unless, of course, the television is tuned to Animal Planet). The humans in my house, sit in front of the TV, and drink their coffee, tea, soda, etc., and have a snack or two - and watch that tube of sound and pictures. Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they become angry, sometimes they become sad, and sometimes they simply sit there and 'click' through the channels, hoping something will catch their eyes. Well, I prefer to sit at the window and watch the world progress outside. Sometimes I will do my cat grin when I see something amusing like the squirrels dancing on the electric lines and slip. Sometimes I will be a little sad when I see a lone stray cat wonder down the alley, and I wonder if he or she is hungry and scared. Sometimes I become angry when I see a human throwing litter onto the ground, rather than into the trash bin. And sometimes my eyes just dart here and there, looking for anything of interest. Well ..... I guess the window is my television. The only difference is that I cannot turn my off.

Color Blind

Am I color blind? Are all felines color blind? According to test that humans ran, we are, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Humans really love to hear themselves talk. I know what red is. And blue. And green. And yellow. Who is to say that I do not see in color. Do humans really think they know what thoughts go on inside my mind? The last I heard, humans do not know what 75% of their own brain can do. How do they know what I see inside my mind? Can humans measure imagination? Can humans measure dreams? Can humans measure fantasy? If humans can measure dreams, can they see exactly what the dreamer sees? Like a video screen? I think not. (I realize I am sounding catty. Sorry). I wish humans were color blind. Maybe the whites would not hate the blacks because they are black. Maybe the blacks will not hate the whites .... I think you get the picture. I mean, you wouldn't know what color anyone was. Everyone would be a shade of grey. Maybe then the world will be a little less hostile. Maybe then the world will be a little more kinder. Maybe then. But until then, I slink around in my own cat world ... colorblind. You humans do not know what you are missing.

The Mirror

I discovered the mirror today. Above the sink in the human's bathroom. I was curious about the while bowl they call a 'sink'. I would hear the sound of water coming from this sink whenever they were in front of it. So ...... I jump up onto the sink and ..... NO WATER. I felt as if someone or something was playing a joke on me. That's when I saw him. WOW. He was so beautiful. All white and warm looking. One blue eye and one amber eye. A very handsome cat if I do say so myself. I reached up with my paw to stroke him and instead of a warm, fuzzy cat, I felt a smooth cold surface. It only took me 120 minutes to realize that it was my reflection! One thing I do know from this experience. I know perfection when I see it.

Smoking

Today I'm going to blog about smoking. That nasty habit those two humans who live with me have. What a nasty habit. Putting the long, white tubes of tobacco between their lips, touching the tip with a flame, AND THEN sucking the smoke into their lungs! NASTY! NASTY! NASTY! After they smoke, their breaths stink, their fingers stink, the chairs stink, the curtains stick, the carpet stink! STINK! STINK! STINK! I will never understand what pleasure they arrive from that horrible habit. YUCK! I don't want to be around them when they are smoking. It's just NASTY NASTY NASTY!!!!! Of course I have been know to lick my own behind from time to time. Oh ..... well then ...... nevermind.

Snip Snip

I'm going to blog about something that happened to me. About 3 months after I moved into my new home, one of the humans loaded me into this .... thing .... he called a 'cat carrier', put me into his vehicle and took to me a strange place with strangers. Well - of all the nerve! I was afraid, angry, nervous ... well I was just a wreck! So - this female at this place, gave me something against my will and I found myself falling asleep (if the truth be known I wish I had some of whatever she gave me. You know, sometimes life is just stressful and ...). When I awoke, I felt very very sleepy, droggy. And after the human took me back home, I realized that I left something at this place with the female. A part of my body. OF ALL THE NERVE!!!!!! I'm not upset about not being a daddy-kitty, I'm upset because I was not asked! It would have been nice if I was asked, or even told what was going to happen. But nooooooooooooooooo. The joke was on me. I will never ... ever forget that day. It's always on my mind. Always at the forefront of my thoughts. Nothing, and I mean nothing could ever make me forget that horrible day. It lives in my mind forever! Not a single day passes when I think about it. It's always in my minds eye ...... oh what's that??????? A kitty toy!!!!! Gotta go play. Bye.

Cat Naps

(Yawn). I'm not going to write a long blog today. I'm sooooo sleepy. I really should take a nap. You know, humans always talk about 'taking cat naps'. They will say something like . ' I think I'll go take a cat nap. That little nap will perk me right up!'. HA! Most humans do no realize that cats, especially oui (that's French for me), sleep about 20 hours a day. Soooooo stop saying cat nap. I do not take cat naps. I take human naps. One of the humans in the house can nap for 20 minutes and wake up refreshed and full of pep! The other human ... well .... his naps can take 3 hours. So, I'm closing this blog to partake in a human nap. Happy hunting!

Kitty Litter.

Ohhhh, I love my house. So big with so many places to hide and to explore. I was home most of the day alone, so I took this time to smell and explore all that I could. Of course, I rubbed my scent onto everything! Even that brownish gray cat statue! To be honest, I really enjoyed that! I have a nice bathroom. The humans call it a 'litter box'. All I know is that I have plenty of room to do my business. With no wind, no pesky bugs, no chirping birds .... all alone and I can take all the time I want to. Now humans do not have litter boxes. That have bathrooms too, but they call their litter box the toilet. A silly word. Toilet. It has nothing to do with toys. Well, the humans sit on their litter box (I think toilet is a silly word so I refuse to use it). Sometimes they look around the room. Sometimes they peek out of the window. And sometimes they read. Can you belive that??? Read!!!! Especially one of the humans. He reads and reads and reads. Even does crossword puzzles. What a nut! I just want to do my business and leave. I mean, who wants to read while doing their business. The only thing I find interesting about their litter box, is that when the business is done, they push a handle and WHOOSH!. Nice and clean. And I have to dig a hole! Now isn't that just lovely! Who wants to dig a hole and do your business then bury it!! I swear, I am going to learn how to use the human's litter box. I would like that. When I feel braver I will give it a try. I've jumped up and looked where they sit. Water. Looks deep. Don't want to fall in. I wouldn't be able to get out - and how embarrassing would that be - the humans coming home and finding me soaking wet, stuck inside their litter box. I have to give this some thought. There has to be a way. But until then, it's dig and bury. Dig and bury.

Brave New World

The two humans gave me a name. Keldan. At the moment they assigned me a name, I left behind my original name. That part of my life is over. These two humans, and this big house were now part of my life. And what a big house! Hmmmmm so many different scents. Nice ones and bad ones. I immediately began rubbing my face upon anything that I wanted to, leaving MY scent. MY home. MINE. MINE. MINE. Then .... I saw him. Sitting there all still and silent on the carpet in the next room. Stationed by the door, as if he were the gardian of not only the room, but the house. He was brownish gray, and oh so still. The bubble had burst. I was not alone. There was another. I stared at him. I stared and stared and stared. He didn't move, and neither did I. My eyes bore into his. I didn't move a muscle. Not a strand of fur. Blink! He was going to blink before me. And that would mean that I won. I love the blinking game, by the way. I play it with the two humans and I always win. Well ..... the old fool would not blink! For a long time we stared at each other. I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I would blink first. I cannot let that happen. He would win! No, no, no, no. That would not do. My new house. Not his. One of the humans walked toward the brownish gray still cat. Good! Maybe he would look away. Maybe he would blink. Then I would win. The human bent down and scooped the brownish gray cat up into his arms. All of the sudden I heard this horrible crash. The human dropped him. Right onto the floor. THUMP. The brownish gray cat did not move. Perhaps he passed. Died. No more. I slowly crept into the next room, sniffing all the way. No scent. My nose did not detect another cat scent. I was almost upon him. Sniff, sniff, sniff. I froze. OMG!!!! The stupid brownish gray cat was only a statue! As I purred and breathed a sign of relief, I felt foolish. Pleased but foolish. The house was mine. But I had so much to learn. And right now I wanted to know where do I go to the bathroom?

Re-birth

I was cold ... and afraid .... and the noises were almost unbearable. The roar of vehicles on the roadway. I had an idea of what they were, and what humans used them for. They smelled foul ... like old socks and rotten cheese. But humans were happy inside of them. They would sit and smile and chat and carry on as if nothing else mattered. Maybe it didn't to them. But I hated the vehicles. Loud. Smelly. Aways the rush of air when they passed by. I was so small. Suddenly a hand grabbed me. A gentle hand. And I found myself closing my eyes. Wondering what if .... what if ....

Everything was a haze for what seemed like a very long time. I heard voices. I heard noises that I have not heard before. I slid into my safe place inside my mind. You know what place I am refering too. Where the humans talk and I totally zone out and do not hear them. And I am accused of ignoring them, or I am showing a disinterest in them, or that I have 'selective amnesia'. In reality I am in a self induced trance, where I am safe and warm and fuzzy.

And the next thing I know - I am inside a dwelling. A house. A human house. But not with one human, but two. I could tell by their smiles, their voices; that they were friendly .... caring .... loving. But most importantly, I could tell by their eyes; the windows to the soul, that they were friends. They were family.

And that, my friends, is how I came to live in this house.